Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in shessouncasual's LiveJournal:

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Friday, January 11th, 2008
4:25 am	should write more often Read somewhere that writing down your thoughts help you better understand yourself.. Its been a long time since I have taken the time to do something so self-productive. I suppose extreme dieting and criticism don't cut it. I've been very depressed, at least that's my self diagnosis. Having a difficult time getting out of bed, and an empty feeling trailing me all day. Even drinking towards complete unconsciousness does not hold the great appeal it once did. Seems like nothing makes me feel better unless I'm with jared for that whole hour a day. That there is some of it. Loving someone you know is so different than you and not giving you the time to allow the relationship to grow. Lust. Who in the fuck knows. I know that's not the main problem because I have never needed someone else in my life to make me happy. I strive independently and try to maintain privacy in most aspects of my life. Its just so must easier to spare others the mudane details of my life and in turn be bored by their own. Though sometimes listening to others gives good perspective towards my own. I am always trying to grow, to better myself. Try to figure myself out. Is there ever a definite answer towards the motives of my behaviour or feelings. Step one towards improvement is to be completely honest. I can say that much without compromising my dignity. Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 27th, 2007
5:35 pm	I really have no idea what inspired me to write in this. Just to read through old entries is a constant reminder of my mutating character, which is actually a good thing. It allows me to smile when I think of who I am today, and laugh when I think retrospectively. Prospectively, always unsure. Finally things are falling into place, each day I can add another piece to the puzzle, or take one away. This is all depending on alcohol's play in my life and if I wake up to actually have a day. I feel like I have built my life to obtain self-satisfaction. My own interests are top priority, and still I fuck up. Why don't I have great friends and why is romance so unnecessary to my sublime well-being... pft, fuck if i know? I always though selfishness could save you... but I think it's made phelegmatic and false. Right now I'd be happy to never talk to anyone again, and sit in a castle with a million dollars at my feet and a bottle to my right. I need some self intervention (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 25th, 2006
2:45 am	not for your concern, please. sleeping with the sun in my face is something im really familiar with and unseemingly so, sleeping at night is a bad habit. i dont pride in unfavorable constitutions, i'd introduce the song fancy by reba mac. into that revolting bit of discomfiture i allege to be false in everyday encounters and small talk. though i think the twangy-ness of the reba song is slightly less degrading on my spirit. sometimes id rather be a teenage prostitute than an oblivious girl who spends her life dreaming. but i dont really plan on hitting the street in a g-string anytime soon, because in my dreams i can do it all, and then wouldnt that be redundant? ah long day, or tiring day of actually being somewhat physical. in the sense, i was awake and mostly interpretive of my surroundings. ahem, mostly. we won't profess the small percentage of my conscious life where i stagger into fucking dreamworld, a totally unconscious daze, thanks ADD. shit, so ive spent my day and evening doing nothing great. where if i was asleep i could be on some foreign island eating coconuts and listening to some groovvvy music, cause im a retard. so what is better, compare and contrast. hm, im unstable and my thoughts are erratic, and not like oh yea im so crazy and spontaneous. but in the matter like i dont know what i fucking want with anything, and i cant make up my mind. and sometimes not thinking about what i want is satisfying, and satisfaction is also a bad habit. and id kiss its ass anyday. so mwah, im going to bed. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
2:59 am	so babyesese, i got a job. its been like a week now: ciao baby! im a hostess and make 8 dollars an hour i really love it AND im moving the FUCK out of these dorms we are getting a house. should be the best fun ever and i dont go to class (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
6:14 am	first things first, get occupied have something to do dont sleep my whole fucking life away dont drink it away either i need a job because i need to kick this laziness that has been overcoming me in the ass' tonite i hung out with rob and his friends at enp i had a nice time people with aspirations.. yessss so what do i want? dont fucking know. i need to figure that much out, i want hapiness. and i want to see things and with this nice little credit card i almost bought a one way ticket out of this place, and i wouldnt put it past me. max didnt call me back, eh he might be pissed. i wonder if i was rude earlier, but i was in a daze. so im not accountable for my state upon awakening from a huge hangover, and the hangover part is totally irrelevant because i sleep too much anyways. and romantically involved with that sleep. job searching baby, you know sometimes looks can get you far. fucking lame, but ill work with it. its an open road (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
8:39 am	so last night we got trashed. i mean it. like trashed, but vinny didnt sleep in trash suprisingly. or i mean i didnt kick over my trash and make him sleep on it without a blanket then laugh my ass off. so what really happened is each of us drank a 6 pack of 16 ounce tall boys and thus made ourselves look like idiots. then RAS bust through the door and said there was a funky smell in the hallway. looks like someone got busssted with some wweed. and it wasnt us. but obviously drunken a-holes. today getting another tatalat. thats numero tres. what fuckin ev, im still in a conscious state unlike my own (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 26th, 2006
3:58 am	i cry so much. i like this song, alot. so what, i'm a drunken mess. and the magnetic fields are alllll about love, and its sweet. and happy and cute and everything nice. awe awes aweees . cutenesssssss<3 (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 25th, 2006
8:35 am	gah. okay i cant stop thinking but alright stay who you are but if you find yourself liking something else, go for it. but do it for the RIGHT reasons and those for yourself, not for anyone or anything else. i embrace new music, and sometimes i have people introduce bands to me and stuff, but i'm not afraid to tell a friend that their favorite band fucking sucks, and likewise i don't fear liking that band. it's all about doing things because you want to, that something inside says it feels right. maybe cause of experience, maybe because its just the person you are. nothing should bother you unless it really bothers YOU. regrets are nothing unless its because you have a problem with it. a regret shouldnt be formed by what your mom thinks. everyone thinks differently, nothing is really right. all you know is what you know. everything else is a shitty recommendation. so basically if it feels right by all means i will drink to that ,you righteous sunofabitch. (Comment on this)
8:19 am	ah and another point. if you don't like me let me know. i only am disturbed when people allege liking me, same principle. its fake. don't lie to yourself and don't put out some false image. so if you don't think i'm cool, don't smile.. let me know from the get-go. because I will respect you more for being honest to yourself and not caring what i think than for you caring to have my approval. i dont cause conflict. people cause conflict when they care, well i dont. the only way you can get a huge rise out of me is by disrespecting me. respect is vitality. i realize theres going to people who detest me and EVERYTHING i accept, and i love that. i want people to spit in my face and think im a piece of shit, because it only fuels me more. it makes me realize that i am antithetic, that i am shannah and not some dazed, conformitist fuck. hah, great. oh yea, and another annoyance is when people who are like normally quiet or something act up around a crowd of people. what the fuck, that is not who you are. they're obviously not comfortable with themselves. there is nothing wrong with being a shy person. but there is something wrong with trying to be "cool", being "loud and crazy". nothing is expected of you other than what you expect of yourself. so stop. if youre quiet, awesome. if you're loud, awesome. if you're both, cool. if you're trying to be something else, fuck off and die. (Comment on this)
7:51 am	i like you if youre like this typically i am not a lj whore but i have come to a huge realization, well i knew it all along, but maybe unconsciously, even as much as i preached it. now i can put it in application with my life, and i mean like everything in my life. o.k. so i hate people that try to fit in. i hate cliches. i hate stereotyping. i hate people changing for others. i hate people trying to impress me. but what i do love is someone so sure of themselves. respect is the biggest issue in my life. i respect people who KNOW who they are and ' stick to their guns'. someone who is so sure of themselves, and so aware of who they are and what they believe in, and really know why they believe in something and can support themselves... they are the people i like. i think about like the only guys ive ever loved in my life... and like my best friends.. and why i like them so much.. like as different as they all are... but its becasue they were themselves and as much as I or other people tried to change that, they stuck to who they were. never changing for others, never trying to fit in. to me being cool is an insult, that means people will adapt their lifestyles and try to imitate my individuality. no one is like me and im not like anyone else. i dont want to be anyone else and ill never claim to be anyone other than shannah. i hate trends, its just something cool for everyone to warp into. it vomits on everything i hold as true. ive dated guys that just because people think im 'punk rock' they decide to get some tight black jeans and tight t-shirts, well it annoys the fuck out of me. and its because they changed for me, forgot who they are to impress. EW, fucking hell. i hate that. same with friends, girls imitate my style and get a Germs patch to make a friend out of me, doesnt work that way. unless you were like that to begin with, and i mean before you knew who i was, (because i have LOTS of punk friends )then youre a moron. i have friends who are complete opposites of me, it doesnt matter what youre into, as long as you are you. if i see you change for others or for some dumb idea then you lose my respect. stay you. i appreciate you if i argue with you and you still wanna kick my ass becasue we disagree, because you believe in something that much. i need values and i love opinionated people. people who stand for something, and arent a huge waste of mind and body. people who usually are a whole lot like me piss me off too, cause they end up, at least relationship wise, trying to impress me with bands they know, so maybe thats why i dig people different than me. music is the most important thing in my life, fuck materialism, its something way more complex for alot of people to understand. and i hope that made everyone laugh. cause it would have made me. but i like it when someone can say this is what i dig and fuck what you think. it should be fuck what you think. it should be this is who i am and fuck you if you dont like it. because changing for others is lying to yourself. and that makes my fucking stomache turn. so nah, if you want some points, dont try to impress me.. i mean argue with me, stand up for yourself, dont let people walk all over you, be respectful but not timid and by all means DONT BE INSECURE. insecure people piss me off, because they don't know who they are. experience is supposed to form you man. let it work like that. insecurity shows a weak mind, it really does, because what do they know? what do you stand for? AND if you dont like my friends dont put on a smile, let me know you hate them. be true, be true to everything, and be true to yourself. dont like something cause its cool or cause its in. dont be friends with someone cause theyre cool or because popularity counts. that shit is lame. do something for yourself, because you want to for you. holy shit, this could be the turning point in my life. this describes why ive ever fallen in love, broke up with people, found friends, hated people. this is who i am. im real true to my own person, so yea i am super opinionated, i say what i think and don't care. i need to be me and its so important, so i want people to be them. i realize the importance in being yourself, because conformity is such a simple minded principle. so this explains why i hate authority, why i cant keep a job, and so much more. damnit, this is cool to know now. (Comment on this)
5:29 am	woah like past 5:30 and girlfriend is still all up in this game. listening to dane cook, HAHAHA everything he says is SO true. Making Up is just like he says. the woman always breaks down( and makes things better:)) hahaha I AM NOT A TWAT okay, so obviously in a much better mood than earlier. i can't let things get to me. i'm only temporarily pissed, and then it passes once i realize how much things like that do not have to be a part of my life. well are not. diminutive people and slight problems should not disturb me. and im not worried what people think, and i shouldnt be. things always revamp when you let the disconsolate pass, then you are left smiling. and happiness makes me a much more enjoyable person. its been a long day but theres always tomorrow and theres always someone who can make it much better. i use that to get by. and ive been hanging out with a boy and i think he likes me and i like him, so that was hard to type, and weird. but good, real good:) just something i havent written in too long. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 24th, 2006
11:43 pm	alright, last one. but i wrote this AUGUST 2nd, which was a LONG time ago. and yes, to you, you know who you are... it still stands. " im just sorry i let you down. but you were the greatest misfortune of my life. im glad youre happy now. i can finally be. " (Comment on this)
11:32 pm	i fucking hate you o.k. so im not done things are still on my mind but on second thought i dont want weirdo lurkers who dont fucking even know me or BARELY know me( and by that it means me saying hello to you is called common courtesy. HAH, it does not mean i like you. uh, sorry? ) to read this. dumb bitch or probably lets make that plural you know who you are and you fucking suck and i hope you get AIDS and you know what??? by the way things are going that future is pretty likely. lets put it into perspective, you go and get drunk.. fuck 3 guys a night, or sometimes at once... then wake up the next morning in a random house, then suprise, suprise, do it all over again. oh yea, you fucking crafty, creative son of a bitch. look at the unique way you live your life. WOW, i wish i could be just as much as a whore as you. maybe i should ask your mom, cause you obviously went right down her path in life. so when you're in the hospital suffering i'll try to get ahold of those 983783 guys and tell them that you cant suck dick 6 feet under. and yea you said it yourself i can be a bitch. hahahahahhahahahahhaha but id much rather be opinionated and know what the fuck i am talking about and be called a bitch than look like websters definition of one. in fact, i bet you say that to EVERYONE who realizes you have the IQ of a piece of shit. so in the meantime, keep following mommy's ways of life, keep spreading your leg and keep making me proud. because what youre doing now is about all anyone ever expected. cheers, whore. (Comment on this)
11:14 pm	no idea what is going on with life at all dont know how to even express what is going on in my head confusion is probably the word that comes close to how i feel about everything i dont even think i should drink tonight im too depressed, too fucked up to think straight i just want to lay in bed and puke my guts out til something makes sense i hate being emotional, why cant i be indifferent about everything and not let trivial things bring me down because as soon as thing are resolved i realized i wasted clean sheets to cry on and things were never as significant as i thought the night before my friends are dropping like flys but they don't know it yet i know who i am i know that if you change who you are then you lose my respect and now my closest friends have fallen into that category so what, im a fuck up, but im still the same fucking person i was 3 years ago to date im not kissing asses and holding a plastic smile i have emotions, i know what i am and i stick to it i dont change day to day to please disappointment has never bothered me this much. maybe i shouldnt get so close to people then id never have anything to lose but then nothing to gain but if great fucking memories are all you have to recall then what makes that so special because good memories are really just laughing in your face when theres nothing left to cherish so what do to now? keep on calling and seeing things for what they are and dealing with it or just turn my head and walk the other way theres so much up at stake right now but its come to the point where i dont think i can see people i care about mutating into people that 3 years ago we would have spit on if i keep on seeing them change and admitting there is nothing i can do about it.. well that would kill me because im usually there for them and now im not so i cant do anything its take it or leave it and for my own sake i think i should be the bigger person and walk away (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 7th, 2006
11:16 pm	im shaking my ass to lauryn hill, doo wop that thing. girls you know you better watch out. tittie rub i love this song. it makes me crazy, so do energy drinks i need to jump around fuck dfiedjf ]wew9ojsdofn (Comment on this)
Monday, January 30th, 2006
5:56 am	so listen, i was up ridiculously early. that means someone better get over here and slap my face. oh baby, fuck. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 28th, 2006
12:37 pm	eh so i don't try to be cool someone shoot me, please. hah. slept all day, getting ready to work on that again. i was drunk last nite. you know the good ol' nice and embarrassing myself in public state. what a shitty misrepresentation of character on my part... hah. im only loud and talkative when im wasssted. should not be that way. well im pissed, mom wont pick up her phone... im really pumped to explain my first day of hooking. HAH. she'd be overwhelmed with pride! and ew, i have to paint my nails, so im peacing out. (Comment on this)
Friday, December 30th, 2005
1:35 am	i have not written in a while. maybe i start off every entry like this, huh. i think so. well im in westminster at the schuelers for break. tonite i went g. shopping. groceries, idiot. spent 300 dollars on junk food that we carried in to be thrown away. otherwise ive been cuddling with the cutest puppy ever, kiwi all week, and reading a great book. CHRISTmas was good... i was blessed with alot of things. even if i had nothing i wouldnt be disappointed. i am stressed out about going back to college. it seems like i have so much to do before i go back. i feel like i wont accomplish everything and the sudden realization that I HAVE to stay committed to actual freaking academics is always on the back burner of my mind. ive been in such a lazy routine lately that im kind of scarred. this semester i start the stuff that every college student remorses. so i guess i will just keep my head up and hope the ax doesnt fall. some time or later i need to finally kiss off laying in bed all day. but today debi and i talked about why i sleep. she says it could be depression.. but im such a happy person most the time i dont understand. since the day i was born i have been fueled by something, she said i need to figure out my spiritual self. maybe i have the religion part figured out, but im thinking there is more to it. thats still an aspect of my being i have yet to discover. and nutritionally i eat so unhealthy. or not at all. maybe this is a self conscience issue. aside from all that i saw lords of dogtown, it reminded me so much of my friends and i. weird, and i loved it for it. im tired. " i have a destiny to earn. i live to earn it, then to die". (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
3:52 am	hm, the last couple days have really fallen into each other. today started off good. i have really made an effort to kick the laziness routine.. so i woke up early, studied for my mass communications final, and took that ---- i think i did well. i then sold the rest of my books and with that money decided to spend it all on my family for christmas. so i started to shop. bought megan some vinyl, but i didnt want to walk very far because it was getting dark and turned around and came back to good ol PPU. i really felt good though. i like to shop and give. i called the rents to see what they wanted. mom said she wanted jewelry, but anything shed actually wear would cost at least like 300 bucks, and any clothes she would like would cost the same. so i figure i will buy her some herbs or something nice for the house. haha and dad said he wanted " unity and peace... or for a group of children to protest outside of walmart and demand better rights for the workers". i see where i get it now. so that means dad is getting t-shirts or ties. walking around downtown felt good though. like for once i have my own money to use for presents. thats pretty assuring. i was highly pissed off though. actually furious to the point i couldnt eat.. i was so sick to my stomache. in the cumberland times news there was an article about dresscodes.. denoting that students who " have painted hair and piercings have no self respect". even my parents were angry. the man who wrote the article is clearly an ignorant man with a twisted perception of respect and an even worse philosophy on life in general. i lived and went to school in allegany county, md. had colored hair and piercings.. which is my fucking personal freedom.. thank you constitution... and i also was a 4.0 student with great objectives in life. i had charity shows, went to church. so to hear something like that, i really feel as if i am being singled out. sooo i wrote a letter and am sending it to the paper, started a website, e-mailed a bunch of punk websites, and started a petition. i dont know if any of it will be effective, but i will have the gut feeling that i made an honest attempt. so im really fucking tired, and i want christmas to be here. im so excited to go home i cant sleep, and i need to pack something terrible. and i need my hair done, deum bitch,deum. oh oh and sunday i delivered presents to the needy family. it was just me , jen and our RA. sad.. but it was so worth it. i feel like i made people very happy for christmas, and they were grateful. to see the little boy smile at what i picked out for him was a great moment. i love this time of year. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 11th, 2005
10:55 am	watched this documentary type program about 9/11, and this conspiracy IDEA revolving around the destruction of the Pentagon, and towers. makes a whole lot of sense to me. made me think george bush is even more of a self-obsessed, deceptive, egotistial, braindead motherfucker. so you know, i really liked it... but other than that. as usual i spent my day sleeping.. then jen vinny and i drank some beer, and traditionally got ridiculously wasted. this morning i woke up, maybe 3 hours of rest...and i walked to 7-11 because i was so hot in my room, and i really wanted a slushy. and as i stood in line, this woman was buying a bunch of food.. and she seemed really concerned about the prices... so i thought about asking her if i could buy it for her, but i wasnt sure if she was the type to get offended.... but she took out a foodstamp card and then offered to buy mine. you know, its things and instances like this that really make me feel good. the existance of good human beings... and not just around christmas time. but i feel like i always put myself out to be generous. i dont think anything is more rewarding then helping someone, or giving gifts. and im not just saying that to sound genuine, but i have this conscience that if i am not always offering what i have to other people, that i am doing wrong as a human being. its only earnest to devote yourself to a beneficial cause. AND i adore other people that feel the same way, and proffer their own possessions NOT because they have to but because they like to see people smile and they like unity amongst humans. we should all help each other... all the time. when someone who has nothing or very little exhibits that kind of behavior thats a fucking reality check for anyone covetous to take their hands out of their own pockets and spare that extra dollar.. or do something nice for someone else. karma really goes a long way. any good person strives for this type of unity...and thats why i really despise our government so much... how we treat the poor... governmental antics plot to destroy what good-hearted Americans build. some of the best people in this world are the most giving and because they dont have a piece of paper denoting a college degree or a 10 dollar bill in their pocket, this country looks down upon them. americans treat our poor as inferior. its a sick sick sick sick concept, and sadly a growing reality. when i see homeless people, yup empty my pockets... and i think everyone should. fuck the republicans and yup even the democrats for the development of such an idea... to hell with this system. it really makes me sad, and i wish there was something i could do...and i know i cant make a drastic change alone.. so i just do my part to be a good person. woah rants. im good for that... but aside from that.. um today at 130 i get to deliver the christmas presents i bought for the needy family, and i'm really looking forward to that. (Comment on this)